Saturday, 28 May 2016


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Many of us still haven’t gotten over this week’s Game of Thrones. We found out that Hodor's name derived from “hold the door” , screamed at him right before he died.

While many people assume that we’ve seen the last of Hodor, a new fan theory emerged this week which makes so much sense it could actually be true. Could Hodor have actually been,,,,, a delicious bowl of noodles?

So 'the noodle theory' stems from 6 key moments:

1. In episode 4 of Season 2, Ned Stark is rummaging around the kitchen at Winterfell searching for food. Look at the small wooden table behind him. There are a bowl of noodles with steam coming off them. On the side of the bowl is a large blue letter 'H'. What does the H stand for? Hat? Harpsichord,,,,, Hodor?

2. During the battle between the Lannisters and Stanis Baratheon in season 2, look closely at the approaching ships. Toward the back, on the left, is a huge bowl of delicious noodles. Again, steam can be seen rising from the bowl, suggesting they are piping hot, but listen closely and you can hear voices commenting on how delicious the air smells. Where is the Hodor link here you ask? Well if you pause the episode at precisely 18:46 and zoom in, one of the noodles has a beard and learning difficulties.

3. Fast forward to the red wedding, one of the most notorious scenes in television history. When the waiters are taking food orders, Rob Stark winks at the camera and says “I would like a delicious bowl of noodles please”. When the servant brings out the piping hot bowl of delicious noodles, he can’t quite get through the kitchen door. Rob Stark notices this and says “Here, let me…hold the door for you” and winks at the camera 44 times. When Rob is subsequently killed, noodles pour from his stomach and onto the floor. Look closely and the noodles spell out HODOR, and as Rob Stark falls to the ground and dies he points at the noodles and winks a further 97 times, even after he dies.

4. The next appearance of the delicious bowl of piping hot noodles happens in the episode 'Hardhome' where the white walkers attack Jon Snow and the Wildlings in one of the greatest scenes in the show’s history. But one of the white walkers is a delicious bowl of piping hot noodles, just like mama used to make. Watch as the noodle bowl gallops around on his horse. Look how majestic it is, with it’s bulging human biceps and fancy shoes. At one point the bowl of noodles climbs down from his horse and starts breakdancing on the beach while everyone cheers. The noodles all stay in the bowl, as if by magic, but interestingly, as the bowl spins, you can see Hodor’s face amongst the tasty goodness of noodles, grinning and miming 'Hodor' for the duration of the scene.

5. Fast forward to Jon Snow’s untimely death at the end of the very same season. As Jon is being stabbed to death by his 'brothers' look closely and you’ll see that one of the swords isn’t a sword at all, but a chopstick. When the camera pans back out and the Night’s Watch walk away from Jon it’s clear that one of the men is actually a delicious, piping hot bowl of succulent noodles. The bowl is wearing a tight pair of jeans with “DIVA” written on the arse in sequins, but below that, smaller sequined text reads 'Hodor'.

6. Lastly, in 'The Door' when Hodor meets his untimely demise, right before he dies he turns to the camera and screams “I AM THE NOODLE MAN” 17 times, before turning into ghost noodles and floating up into noodle heaven. Some fans think Hodor is the 'Noodle man' that Rob Stark referenced in season 2, when he famously said “Fuck the Noodle man” to nobody, in response to literally nothing.

So, is it all just a coincidence, or is Hodor actually just a bowl of delicious noodles. Nobody knows for sure, but there’s one thing we do know,,,,, he definitely is.

Till next time.
Big love. Mark. X

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Paul Barton delivers his verdict on the 2016 FA Cup final.

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People often say to me, "Pauly, I know it falls your birthday almost every year but isn't the question of who will win the 2016 FA Cup meaningless when you consider that we'll all be dead in 100 years?"

Of course the answer is "yes." What does football matter in the face of the dread abyss, the pitless void that ultimately awaits us all?

But imagine if you will a world where nanobots, organ cloning and other medical advances cure every ill, ading decades, perhaps even centuries to our lives. Perhaps man, free from the confines of frailty can sore to new heights, new echelons of achievement that bring fresh zest, new profundity to human existence.

Or perhaps near immortality will leave us jaded, sick of life never ending, trapped in flesh prisons our souls have long since departed.

In this world, will we truly want to see an ancient Messi and Ronaldo squaring off in endless El Classico's, the perpetual football only interrupted by the players begging to die? Will sporting achievement itself die in a world where legacy is moot? How will we fair when we are robbed of mortality, when life loses all flavour? I can't say. But what I can say is that I fancy United for this one, but if Palace can get Dwight Gayle into the game, they have every chance of causing an upset.

We came in peace, you leave in pieces!
The Bartdog. X

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Speeches That Changed History. Speeches That DIDN'T Change History.

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Speeches That Changed History.

I would like to report on an issue that has been left untouched for many years. The world has had many great speech writers over our short, but defined, history but much like aggressive foreign policy and teeth whitening the Americans are STREETS ahead of us Brits. What is not reported is that these writers only had one or two good speeches in them. Many of us are aware that some of the most heartfelt and moving speeches were written by someone other than the individual speaking the words. Those men and women are usually left nameless behind the stoic leaders of our generation. The story below will tell the tale of three famous speech writer’s you have never heard about and more importantly…their second speech.

Peter Gulch, “I have a dream…”, Given by Martin Luther King Jr. at the March of Washington

Now of course we all know this one. Written in a common format: Where we are now; where we want to be; where we are now; dreamed utopia etc… The opening line “I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation” is reminiscent of Stuart Pearce's rallying war cry at Euro 96 and will give many a reader the goosebumps. Many would say these were the best words ever written. Determination, love and freedom were key themes. The words “I have a dream…” spoken with conviction and dreamy eyed belief. It was magic. What we don’t hear about much is the second speech that Peter Gulch wrote for Dr. King later that year. This one did not go over as well. See excerpt below:

Peter Gulch, “Flags”, Given by Martin Luther King Jr on Flag Day 1963

“Flags?? Amiright? Hoo wow, dem tingz is PENG!. Stripes for days innit, some of them with bumps or stars or some shit, idk. But yeah, fo real I can’t get me enough of flags, fam. The other day I was in the flag shop trying to get me a stripey mother fucker and low and behold I got me a nice one! FLAGS, YEAH!!!! YAGETSMEH??!!”

Tracey Glue, “John F. Kennedy's Inaugural Address”, Washington D.C, 1961.

It goes without saying that these words delivered to the world in this speech were some of the most determined and impactful ever spoken. Not only did JFK put the world on notice that he would work to strengthen relationships with allies he would defend this nation and its values without hesitation (of course he was referring to the tensions with the Soviet Union at the time). The line “My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country” challenged all Americans to take responsibility for themselves and their neighbour. Something I feel their politicians may have forgotten today. Tracey Glue actually had a really good third speech that she wrote for Kennedy (see the 'space exploration speech' given to congress) but her second speech she penned for the president did not stand up to the muster of the previous and the latter. See below:

Tracey Glue, “Space?”, Given by John F. Kennedy, Boston, on a Wednesday.

“Let me begin by saying one word. One word is all I need to say this speech. Here it goes: Solar Systems! I am actually very sorry it seems as though that is two words. I actually think solar systems are great. Let’s look at the pros of them.
1). Earths are there (that is fantastic, right?).
2). Not only are they large but they can also be seen from SPACE!!! Hahaha, guys let’s get serious for a minute. We should go up there right? Solar systems are the shit bitches!!! For real though, I asked you all to do shit for your country…somebody go build me a mutha fuckin' space rocket!!! Lmao.”

Fred Mort, “On the Pulse of the Morning”, Maya Angelou, Clinton Inauguration, 1993.

Fred Mort was one of the most well-known speech writers but he loved dabbling in poetry and who better to deliver his verse other than the great American author, Maya Angelou. Although, more poetry than directed speech, these words lifted up the souls of, not only the Americans, but anybody that allowed themselves to dream. “So say the Asian, the Hispanic, The Jew, The African and Native American…”. We hear those words today and it reminds us, even here in northern England of the melting pot we live in. How, if it wasn't for our political discourse, we could, in a perfect world, live harmoniously with one each other. AND…if we tried really hard we could actually be happy about it. Of course…things didn’t go well for Mr. Mort on his next speech…

Fred Mort, “Large Penises”, Ron Jeremy, on set of “Plugged in the Butt 6”

“Ladies, I am going to need you to come over here and choke me. I am horny as hell and I am going to blow a load in like 8 seconds. You…over there! The one with the butt plug and large penis inside her, please bring me that bag of milk shakes over by my ass lube. Choke me SO MUCH!!!! By the way…who is chewing on my ass? Danielle? Wow seriously, great work, keep it up. Ok…its coming…I am going to blow, everybody hold out their cups this is going to be a big one…uhhhhhhhh….. BOOOM!!!!!”

If I had to choose a moral to this story it would be that speech writers should probably only write one speech. It’s not really a career, it’s more of a one off type of thing. Honestly, I don’t really understand words and the things that they mean.

Till next time.
Big love. Mark. X

Friday, 13 May 2016

Podcast #11. Cristiano? (Slow Motion/Wrong Era)

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It's always nice to get something unsolicited so we jumped at the chance when Cristiano? offered to supply our podcast this month! Already a big fan of his output and with the sound of the brilliant mix he did for Ransom Note a few months back ringing in our ears we eagerly took delivery of this new selection.
Currently based out of New York's lower east side where his _Nothing Studio_ is based, Milan native Cristiano? has been steadily building up a head of steam as part of the disparate 'Slow Motion' crew. A lose collective of DJs, bands, musicians and live acts based between Pescara in Italy and Berlin.
Active since 2005 they've busied themselves organising and appearing at countless events like Wrong Era, Retro Futuro, East Coast Disco, Studio X, Bar Noir, Magic Waves and so on. Playing the best underground dance music, from obscure disco to house, space beats to more cosmic grooves. Showcasing the best of a new generation of Italian producers alongside some serious heavyweights of the scene.
After years of successfully staging these parties the next logical step came in 2009 when the 'Slow Motion Records' label was launched. The idea was to take the time to find the best possible Italian music that represents the sound the collective truly loves and the perfect soundtrack for the events and parties. Since then, alongside it's spin-off label in Berlin, 'Wrong Era', it has set the standard for new wave of Italian dance music!

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As well as his work with Slow Motion and Wrong Era, Cristiano? has been beavering away making music himself and setting up his studio in New York and establishing a network and label for his own productions.
He's also been busy with a number of other things! His BALERA FM project, a live set of movie soundtracks, Italian progressive and psyche rock have material forthcoming and his band, 'Interzone' will be premiering a new EP too. Add to that a book of short stories and two collaborations with what we're promised are actual living legends and you have one very busy boy.
With that in mind, we're more than happy that Cristiano? has taken time out of his hectic schedule to put this brilliantly deep, hypnotic and percussive mix together for us. It really is a blinder!!

_NOTHING_ on Facebook.
Cristiano? on Soundcloud
Slow Motion Records on Soundcloud

Download the podcast from our account below.

Till next time.
Big love. Mark. X

Friday, 6 May 2016

Dunsford IS the STARZZ!!!

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Highly acclaimed astrologer, medium, intuitive healer, wastrel and general shitbastard, Daniel Dunsford charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the month ahead. If you would like a more in-depth forecast please call 0800 965878 (calls cost £15 per minute).

Capricorn: You are going to have 12 children. Two of them will be born without a head. It will take you a while to bond with them because of this, but eventually you will learn to love them. One of them will even become your favourite. This child is very psychic but is unable to use his powers because as I said earlier, he doesn’t have a head.

Aquarius: Next year you will become clinically obese and you will have to have a wall removed and be lowered through the window with a crane. Then you will go on a diet where you will have a shake for breakfast and one for lunch and the weight will just fall off! Don’t do the Atkins, unless you want chronic arse gas.

Pisces: I don’t see any children. I’ve got a sneaky feeling you could be barren/firing blanks. But I wouldn’t worry, many women/men have a belly full of dust/a toy gun and they still manage to enjoy their lives to some extent. Look forward to what you can in life. Even if that’s just nap time.

Aries: You bought the cookbook 'Deliciously Ella' hoping that if you eat enough vegetables you will look like her. You won’t. You will still look like you (i.e. a waxen effigy of Danny La Rue) but with lovely pink intestines.

Taurus: You will fall out of a treehouse this week, hitting the ground so hard that your shinbones come out of the tops of your shoulders. What are you doing pricking around up treehouses anyway?

Gemini: You will find a Fabergé egg in the street this week. On closer inspection you will see it is actually a Cadbury Creme Egg. Do not eat it! Bill Cosby used to inject Creme Eggs with Quaaludes to lure in his victims.

Cancer: My guardian angel is telling me you have a small Japanese man who goes everywhere with you. His aura has attached itself to yours. This is why you keep setting the alarms off in shops.

Leo: Your metal detecting uncovers an ancient roman goblet. Get it on eBay before Tony Robinson gets his mucky paws on it. Your pet terrapin will crawl into the washing machine and narrowly survive a cool silk wash.

Virgo: You will be caught short on the London Eye, forcing you to relieve yourself in a champagne flute in front of a group of Japanese tourists. You are considering becoming a druid. Maybe grow the fuck up.

Libra: I’ve got a recently deceased old woman here and she’s telling me you fell off a horse when you were three months old, but I think she’s full of shit. If you are a chap, you will marry the Irish one from Girls Aloud. She has a habit of spitting at old people, but otherwise you will have a very happy life together.

Scorpio: I’d be very surprised if you didn’t end up being fucked ragged this week, or at the very least, interfered with on a shuttle bus. Wear pink to vibrate at a higher frequency.

Sagittarius: Your dog has been behaving like an arsehole again. Remind him that he is not insured and will never make it on his own. You will find a human hand in a Sainsbury’s trifle. You have definitely not won a prize.

Till next time.