Earlier this week, the TOLAS staff received a telephone call from a man named Derek Grindle, a 53 year old man from Walker, Newcastle who told us he had “something important to say.”
"Yea, truth is,” he stated “I was afraid. I was reet, reet, reet, REET, REET, FUCKIN' afraid of them ghosts. Those transparent bastards were all owa the gaff. Touchin' me an' all sorts!”
Mr Grindle affirms that he reached the peak of his career in the 80's, when he was bribed into a recording studio and forced to say “I ain't afraid of no ghost” into a microphone. “Aye it was a normal day for me, I was headed home from a day on the piss and Karaoke in The Garter to feed my dogs and this trendy lookin' fella came up to me and was all like “Whats ya name like, kidda?”
- “Ah'm Decka, Decka Grindle.” And then he asked iz:
-“Yee be interested in mekin' some cash and having a role in a major motion picture?” To which I replied:
-“Wey aye! Why the fuck not.”
So then the trendy geezer puts me in a fancy black car like the ones where there's a driver and you get to sit in the back and he takes me to this fancy movie studio, like the ones you imagine in the pictures but this was real life but also in the pictures cause they wa mekin' pictures in there and they had all kinds of shite, like props n that getin' shifted aboot all owa. Like houses that they wheeled aroond, but they wasn't the whole house just the front of the house and the back was just cardboard like...one dimensional things ye knaa. Anyway, then they put in me a recording booth and they turn the light off and that's when I start seein' them fuckin' ghosts man! They wa green and that. Smelled like farts and shite. And they tell me “OK Decka you're deein' great” and they just kept repeating that “Ya alreet, hew. Deein' great” and I was like "Wey ner! These arseholes are easy to please. I haven't even done owt yet and i'm deein' great?? Daft cunts. I can get used to this." But then that's when I started shittin' mesel. Hyperventilating n stuff. It all sunk in and I wanted to get the fuck oot of there. So I started screamin me tits off cause I was purely flappin' like. There was like a cree full of dead souls and they was slithering aaaaall owa the fucking place and touchin iz and that. Anyways so now it's just me and the ghosts and then the gadge that picked me off the street says “Reet! We just need you to say “I am not afraid of any ghosts” So that's when I thought, here man this isn't right, this isn't one bit right at fuckin' aaall, yi knaa why? CAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. I AM AFRAID OF FUCKIN GHOSTS!
Mr Grindle affirms that he reached the peak of his career in the 80's, when he was bribed into a recording studio and forced to say “I ain't afraid of no ghost” into a microphone. “Aye it was a normal day for me, I was headed home from a day on the piss and Karaoke in The Garter to feed my dogs and this trendy lookin' fella came up to me and was all like “Whats ya name like, kidda?”
- “Ah'm Decka, Decka Grindle.” And then he asked iz:
-“Yee be interested in mekin' some cash and having a role in a major motion picture?” To which I replied:
-“Wey aye! Why the fuck not.”
So then the trendy geezer puts me in a fancy black car like the ones where there's a driver and you get to sit in the back and he takes me to this fancy movie studio, like the ones you imagine in the pictures but this was real life but also in the pictures cause they wa mekin' pictures in there and they had all kinds of shite, like props n that getin' shifted aboot all owa. Like houses that they wheeled aroond, but they wasn't the whole house just the front of the house and the back was just cardboard like...one dimensional things ye knaa. Anyway, then they put in me a recording booth and they turn the light off and that's when I start seein' them fuckin' ghosts man! They wa green and that. Smelled like farts and shite. And they tell me “OK Decka you're deein' great” and they just kept repeating that “Ya alreet, hew. Deein' great” and I was like "Wey ner! These arseholes are easy to please. I haven't even done owt yet and i'm deein' great?? Daft cunts. I can get used to this." But then that's when I started shittin' mesel. Hyperventilating n stuff. It all sunk in and I wanted to get the fuck oot of there. So I started screamin me tits off cause I was purely flappin' like. There was like a cree full of dead souls and they was slithering aaaaall owa the fucking place and touchin iz and that. Anyways so now it's just me and the ghosts and then the gadge that picked me off the street says “Reet! We just need you to say “I am not afraid of any ghosts” So that's when I thought, here man this isn't right, this isn't one bit right at fuckin' aaall, yi knaa why? CAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. I AM AFRAID OF FUCKIN GHOSTS!
So I telt him. I telt him loud and clear how afraid of ghosts I was and that I wanted him to get me the fuck oot of that cabin. Long story short the man says to me “Mr. Grindle. If ye want ya money, then get reet close to that fuckin' microphone and say the words “I am not afraid of ghosts” right fucking now, hew!" So, at that point I reckoned it was better to pull the plaster off quick rather than a little bit at a time cause it ends up hortin' more that way cause ya pullin oot a bunch of hairs. But I wasn't ganna let that scum bag tek the piss so that's when I said what he wanted me to say but I changed it a little bit ye knaa? And so that's when I thought to myself that I'm ganna put my own spin on it so instead of saying “I am not afraid of ghosts” I said “I ain't afraid of no ghosts” and then someone shouted “CUT. WE GOT IT.” They opened the door and the ghosts fucked off straight away and they put iz on the number 1 to Heaton. Cut to a year or so later and I hear it on the fuckin radio n that. It's called the Ghost Busta'z song. Non other than mesel saying words in a major motion picture!”
We asked Mr. Grindel what led him to come out and tell his side of the story, to which he answered, “Nee comment.”
Interview by Derek-Upon-Tweed.
Artwork from Chester Drawers.
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